Urgh!! Seriously??

This is a 'why me?' pity post, but dammit, I need to vent!! I have been trying to process this all day and can't get it out of my mind, so may as well put it on paper...er, computer screen?

Last year my cousin (on my Mom's side) and her husband decided to start trying to get pregnant, and even though she was over 35, she got pregnant within 3 months of trying. My first "Urgh!! Seriously??" That alone was a tough pill to swallow, but I eventually got used to it. So she just had her baby girl last Friday and I heard today from my Mom that they decided to name her Honey Daniella Skye but they are going to call her Daniella. She is apparently be named after my Uncle Danny who died suddenly of a heart attack last July, apparently the weekend this baby was conceived. Cue the 2nd: "Urgh!! Seriously??"

Now, here are my issues with this: my Uncle is on my Dad's side and though he was really good to my cousin, they had only met a handful of times throughout her life, so I think it is a bit weird to not only just give her middle name to tribute my uncle, but have it be her first name. But my real issue is that Hubs and I were going to do that: honour my Uncle with naming our baby (if we ever friggin have one!!) after him. Obviously we can't do it now - that would look ridiculous! And for the rest of our lives, everyone is going to go on and on about how what a nice gesture that was of my cousin and how this baby is named after someone so wonderful. And for the rest of my life, I'll be totally pissed that my thunder was taken away from me.

I am quite sure that I am overreacting about this...I have a tendency to analyze and overreact about most things. But I like to think of it as reacting in a perfectly normal amount because it shows that I care and have strong feelings about something (that is what I tell myself to feel better about my bursts of emotion! ha!).  Seriously though, I am down right furious over this issue and I cannot stop thinking about it! My sisters (who I haven't spoken with since before Christmas...they are not very nice, supportive people) think that if I was planning to name our future non-existant baby after my Uncle, I should have told my cousin. "Urgh!! Seriously??" (I promise, that's the last one!). That's the stupidest thing I ever heard! How on EARTH would I ever think that she would name her baby after my uncle?? I guess it is my duty to claim a name and then anytime anyone gets pregnant, I am to make sure that they are aware not to name their baby our 'dibbed' name. Man, they are so friggin clueless!

I just don't get people. I really used to think that I was quite good at figuring people out, but honestly that has not been the case over the last few years, especially in the world of TTC. At least once a week I think to myself: the world is truly full of idiots, and common sense is not all that common. But maybe I am just overreacting and being a jealous whiner and should just be happy for my cousin. I'm sure that no one could ever convince me of the case, but I just hate feeling so angry at everything all the time, and hating that nothing seems to go my way.

I better go dig out my big wine glass. And chocolate. My two best friends on a night like this!!!

Mmmm....exactly!!!!

Frankie Say Relax!!

Relax! So says Frankie Goes To Hollywood. This is the advice that we ‘infertiles’ hear all the time…to the point of annoyance! At least for me. But even though having someone tell me this time and time again, I do know that it is good advice (shhh…don’t ever admit it to them!). I have a hard time just simply relaxing about TTC, but I find that when I’m busy, I find it a little easier to get through those first few days of AF. Don’t get me wrong, I still cry and feel depressed, but when I am busy and have a lot going on in life, I tend to bounce through it after a couple of days of feeling sorry for myself.

Or else maybe after 2 ½ + years of TTC, I am finally getting used to the fact that it NEVER happens for me. I never get those 2 pink lines. And maybe I’m just expecting that it won’t happen for me, so it’s a smidge easier to take each month.

I wish I was one of those women who had it easy. Ya know, the ones who say “Oh my gosh, I got pregnant the first month off birth control. I didn’t think it would be so easy!”  I used to be that naïve. Not so much anymore. I think I’ve gotten quite cynical about it all. I am even avoiding my guilty pleasure of reading the gossip rags since it seems like every 2^nd day there is a new announcement of some pregnancy.

So “Relax” eh? Ya, I’ll try. I know it’s good not to stress about it; we all know stress is bad. But some switches are easier to flip than others. Until I can really figure it out, I’ll just stick with wearing the t-shirt!

~ A

Just Accept It!

This is the advice I received today. Seems harsh, but I think it is the exact thing I needed to hear.

I got to practice yet another Oscar speech today, when a colleague at work told me that she's 12 weeks pregnant. She knows my situation of trying for 2 ½ years, but she still went on and on for a good 45 minutes about her pregnancy and how she was worried about her job and how she’s so tired now, how will it be after having her 3^rd (yes, this is her 3^rd pregnancy!). Seriously, could you have been any more insensitive?  (I just reminded myself of Chandler: Could you BE any more insensitive? Ok, so very 2001, but I needed a bit of a laugh…)  I just could not figure out a way to get out of that damn office, so I stood there with a smile pasted on my face, saying how happy I am for her and how wonderful this news is! I just can't believe I'm going to spend every single day for the next 6 months watching her belly grow, and watch our department go on and on about how excited they are. How miserable!!!!

So I high-tailed it to a friend's office and we went for a walk and I vented. She can definitely relate to me and she felt my pain. She has been through 3 IUI's and 2 IVF's. Her first IVF was successful and she had a gorgeous baby 2 years ago. The 2nd IVF a few months ago was not as successful. So she and I do our bitter whining about life every so often.

During our walk, I ask her how she does it - how does she make it through the days when people tell her about their pregnancies, while she suffers? She tells me that it took her a long while, but she accepts that this is the way it is for her...she's accepted the fact that she's just not able to get pregnant without some sort of intervention. With this knowledge, she is able to move on and try any other option available in order to get pregnant.

I feel like this "just accept it" piece of advice has opened my eyes. After months and months of TTC, I still keep making excuses for why we are not getting pregnant. I try to justify why it didn’t happen and try to think of something new or better to try next month, convinced that this time it will work. But nothing ever works. And because nothing is apparently “wrong” with either of us, I just have some false hope that it will eventually happen on its own. Maybe it's time to realize that this may not just happen. Two and a half years of trying to get pregnant is a long time. Maybe it is time to just accept it for what it is and move on to try some sort of medical intervention. This is hard for me to do. It’s admitting defeat that I couldn’t do it on my own and need to resort to something I never thought I’d have to. I really am going to try to get to the place in my mind where I do just accept it. I guess once I can do that, then I can start to get over it and do something about it!

And the Oscar Goes To….

Um… ME!!!!

The Academy Awards are on tonight and I’ve been watching some of the Red Carpet, reviewing Oscar nominees and thinking a lot about acting. Ok, Natalie Portman was amazing in Black Swan, but I have had my own moments of Oscar-worthy acting over the last 2 ½ years. I know every other gal who has been TTC can relate to those moments of false happiness and fake smiles. And if you’re like me, then you have also perfected the “Oh my God – that is so exciting!!” phrase.

I’ve been through so many moments at restaurants or out for coffee where a friend reveals that she is pregnant, and I am forced to finish my meal with a phony smile pasted on my face, pretending to be so excited for my friend.  Meanwhile, all I want to do is ask for the cheque and get the hell out of there so I can go home and bawl my eyes out.  But I ask all the questions that you’re supposed to ask: “how have you been feelings? Any funny food cravings? Will you find out the sex?” What I really want to ask is? “Will you continue to rub that in my face for the next 9 months? Will you complain about being pregnant and gain weight? Will you ‘forget’ how to have any conversations that do not revolve around your pregnancy?”  

So here’s my speech, as I accept the Oscar for “Ecstatic ‘Reproductively Challenged’ Friend”:

Wow! I am so surprised and grateful for this award! I first have to thank my ovaries and uterus for not cooperating and not doing their jobs to get me pregnant. I know you work hard to play keep-away with Hubs’ sperm and prevent me from getting pregnant. I also want to thank 14 of my friends who have announced their pregnancies over the last 2 ½ years, who have allowed me to practice my art of acting excited and happy for yet another person getting pregnant before me. I just can’t wait to be an Autie, yet again!

Ok, so that's Sandra Bullock accepting her Oscar, but you get the picture!

Square One

Back to it… sitting here with a glass of wine instead of reading a book on pregnancy shows how my weekend went.  Yet another month without those 2 pink lines. You would think after so many months of disappointment that I would be a little more used to it. Guess not. Those last couple of days before my period is ‘expected’ to show, like everyone else, I am at my most hopeful. I am paying attention to every single twinge or new feeling: Hmmm...I’m tired a little earlier tonight, maybe that means I’m pregnant! My sense of smell is so strong these last couple of days, maybe that means I’m pregnant! Then when my period arrives, I feel like an idiot for even thinking I could have been pregnant.

Frustration!!!!

I feel like I’ve tried so many things throughout these last 2 ½ years. I haven’t yet begun any fertility procedures (IUI, IVF etc.) but I feel like I have tried everything else. Everything! I came across this list online and thought it was so perfect:

I especially love the Bad Advice column – laughed at all of those! In all seriousness though, this is actually a very realistic list! I really have tried most of the things on it.

I think that our next step is IUI. I am pretty sure Hubs and I are going to get started on that in the summer. I just keep hoping that it will happen on its own before then. I just need to believe that something will work, and feel like I have tried so much that doesn’t.

Poor Hubs…aside from the moodiness of PMS, he has to deal with the extreme low of CD1. Blah!  

To Test or Not To Test…That Is the Question

Let’s just get it out there: I LOVE peeing on sticks!  I never love the results, but it must give me some sick adrenaline rush or otherwise I would never do it! Seeing that stupid 1-line month after month after month is miserable. But there are always a couple of days where I have all the hope in the world and these next few days are them.

 I don’t bother counting days in my cycle anymore, but I always have a pretty good idea when I ovulate (based on those sexy ol’ eggwhites!) so I know that I’m more than a week into my 2ww. I don’t have an exceptionally long leutal phase so I don’t normally make it 14 days. But I like to test before I expect my period, just so I know for sure if I am or not. I don’t want to end up on that show “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” – that is a true nightmare for me! So month after month, I pee on that stick and wait to see if that 2^nd line will finally show.

So when’s the pee-party? I haven’t decided yet…maybe this weekend, if I make it that far. I’ll either be in a fantastic mood or ridiculously pissed and searching for the ice cream.  And if and when I ever get pregnant, I’m going to pee on a stick every day for 6 months and enjoy those 2 lines, and make up for all those stupid negative tests over the years! Ha!

~ A

How We Got Here

I had bought a journal the week after Hubs and I came back from our honeymoon 2 ½ years ago.  This was so that I could keep a diary of all my thoughts and experiences throughout my pregnancy.  I knew I was going to get pregnant immediately, so I wanted to be able to look back one day and read all about my very first pregnancy. I wrote a few entries for a couple of months and then just go so frustrated that I wasn’t getting pregnant. I realized I was starting to use that as my anger journal instead – you know the one where you write with huge, ferocious letters and push the pen so hard you almost rip the pages? Ya…that was what I turned into. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk, but instead of turning green, I turned red with anger as I spewed venom out the pen and into my journal. I decided to put down the pen, and I put the journal away and hope to be able to pull it back out one of these days, when I’m not so angry! So that got me thinking about turning my pregnancy journal into another one of my journey through infertility, and how I would get it all out on paper (blog, perhaps?). So here goes:

Timeline:

Sept 2008: Married!! WooHoo! Off birth control & ready for baby! Bought some pregnancy books and a thermometer to start checking my basal metabolic temperature. I am going to be pregnant in no time! And all this baby-dancing is going to be fun and romantic and evenput me in great shape!

December 2008: Christmas time – kind of disappointed that there’s no baby news to give the family. Also being off birth control made my body turn into a disgusting, hormonal mess! Acne on my face and my back. Backne, anyone?!? I thought only teenage boys who played a lot of sports had this – embarrassing and gross! To add to this, my hair was completely greasy and oily and started coming out in clumps, especially in the shower. Poor Hubs got some ugly wake up calls when he went in the shower and saw a wookie on the wall! These hormones are making it difficult to look my most attractive to entice Hubs into the bedroom!

February 2009:  Turned 31 and still no baby news. Trying to stay positive and not stress, which is what everyone is telling me to do. I am starting to get pretty annoyed with my uterus! Still sticking with taking my temps, and have now started drinking Fertility Tea and checking CM (Cervical Mucus), which sounds gross but is so cool! Also starting to drive Hubs crazy with all my pregnancy-talk, and he lets me know that he is definitely NOT interested in hearing about my eggwhites.

September 2009: One year of nothing! Pissed! Decide to make an appointment with our Dr., who refers us to a fertility clinic. Also my first (of many!) announcements from one of my closest friends who tells me she is pregnant. Phoney smile pasted on my face at the restaurant, then massive crying fit, tantrum, and self-pity in the privacy of my own bedroom.

October 2009: Our first appointment at the fertility clinic! I bring all my charts, and a million questions. Appointments are booked for the coming weeks. Start to feel hopeful about getting some answers as to why we are still not preggos. 

November 2009:

Hubs = 1st sperm analysis (poor guy had to do 3 in total, over the last year or so).

Me = multiple bloodwork appointments, external and internal ultrasounds, which on your period, is so not attractive! I did an HSG (where my fallopian tubes are checked to see if they are open) during which I did receive an interesting compliment from the doctor. He told me that I have a “beautiful uterus”. I have to say that never in my life have I received a compliment like that!!  I guess I’ll take it!  Hubs found that hilarious!

February 2010: back to the fertility clinic to discuss all our results from the tests over the last couple of months.

Me = everything looks great. I feel relieved and annoyed at the same time. If everything looks normal, then why are we taking so long to get pregnant?!

Hubs = ‘normal’ sperm analysis, but on the low end.

             Count – 24million              * norm is 20 mil

             Motility – 43%                    * norm is >50%.

             Rapid Motility – 37%       * norm is >25% Yay! Those suckers can really swim!

             Morphology – 6.5%          * norm is >15%  Ah shit!! I’m told this is not the end of the world, but it sure feels like it to us.

We discuss options with the fertility clinic: IUI, IVF etc, but decide that we will do some research on vitamins and try to improve Hubs’ spermies and keep trying the ol’ fashioned way for a while longer.

July 2010: Another sperm analysis for Hubs – different clinic, but numbers much better this time.  Morphology is above 15%, which is awesome. Yay for the new vitamins, which I decide is the exact reason that things have improved.

September 2010: 2nd Wedding Anniversary. 2nd TTC Anniversary. Depressed. Annoyed. Angry. Avoiding friends, avoiding colleagues at work; decide I hate all pregnant people. I realize I need something happy in my life, so Hubs and I get a puppy. Not an impulsive decision, as we had been looking for quite a while, and decided that now was the perfect time to get one.

October 2010: About 90% sure that I had a very early miscarriage. Another blog on that topic, but definitely saw 2 little pink lines, and definitely got my period a few days later.

December 2010: Urgh – 3rd Christmas without baby. Hard to avoid family at Christmas, so I decide that Jack Daniels will become my friend for the month. Hubs comes to me and says that he wants to talk about options, i.e. adoption or fertility procedures. Happy Dance! I am so excited because I have been ready for this for months and now we are on the same page! Since he is starting a new job in Jan, we decide to wait til the early summer to discuss details.

January 2011: A new year! And a new attitude is needed. Time to focus on my health and decide to lose 40lbs and stop being a whiner and enjoy life. I feel good to have a bit of a plan and immerse myself in the thought of IUI’s and adoption.          

So that’s how I got to where I am now. Trying to figure out how to enjoy life as we are right now and stop obsessing about babies. Easier said than done though… but I’m working on it!

Thank you!! Merci!! Gracias!! Dankschen!! Mahalo!!

 

Wow!! I am truly honoured to receive these blog awards!! I started this blog a few weeks ago as a way to vent, and hope to find a little humour in this humourless situation. I was given these 2 awards from awesome fellow blogger Princess Wahna Bea Mama – a real clever and creative chick! I love her blog – you guys gotta check it out. Plus, she’s a Mensa smarty, so she’s super witty too! So a huge THANK YOU to the Princess! Since I got 2 awards, and each one has its own rules, I’m going to combine them.

The Rules of accepting the awards are:

1.) Thank and Link back to the blogs that gave you your awards

2.) Share seven things about yourself.

3.)  Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.

4.) Contact the bloggers to let them know you've given them an award.

Numero Uno) A huge THANK YOU to my royal fan: Princess Wahna Bea Mama at http://theprincessandthepeestick.blogspot.com/  for The Versatile Blogger Award, and also for the I Love This Blog Award. I am definitely feeling the love! So go do yourself and favour and check out her blog; like I said, it’s super funny and witty. And she’s been through a lot and has a lot of great info to share.  So do it! Do it! Head over there and get reading! J

#2) I guess since I received 2 awards, I am to share 7 things about myself for each award, so here are 14 things all about little ol’ me:

1.       I am a “mommy” to 2 furbabies – one cat, one dog – both hypoallergenic. Aside from my husband, they are the loves of my life

2.      I am super anal about grammar and spelling. It drives me crazy when people use your/you’re and their/there/they’re incorrectly!

3.      I bite my nails and pick at my cuticles. I try everything not to do it, but I just can’t seem to stop myself

4.      I am a die-hard Sex and the City fan. I have all 6 seasons & both movies, and I’ve probably watched every episode a hundred times. Love everything about it!

5.      I am in love with travelling. I live in Canada, but have travelled through 13 countries in Europe, China, tons of places throughout the US, but I am terrified of flying

6.      I lived in an all-girl residence during my first year of university, and I loved it! Made the best friends of my life there

7.      I am a coupon freak! I am extremely upset if I have to pay full price for anything.

8.      When watching movies, I am more upset if an animal dies, than if a person dies

9.      I absolutely hate ironing and refuse to buy any pieces of clothes that require it

10.  I have a tattoo of a 4-leaf clover on my left foot

11.   My celebrity boyfriends include: James Dean, Jim Morrison, and Elvis Presley (ok, and embarrassingly Joey Lawrence when I was 14)

12.   I secretly wish I was a Broadway performer

13.   My 2 favourite cars are a red, convertible mustang and a 1978 yellow beetle

14.  My middle names are the first names of both of my grandmothers (Mom’s & Dad’s side) and I plan to carry on that tradition if I have a daughter

Trois) I am new to the blogosphere so I haven’t found 30 blogs to follow yet. But I want to list all the ones that I am following and hope that you guys check them out! These are the people that help get me through week after week and allow me to see a little light at the end of this dark tunnel. A couple aren’t TTC blogs, but thought I’d share them anyways. J

Cuatro) I am sending out messages to my fellow bloggers to let them know that I’m taking these wonderful awards and paying it forward!

-          999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility   http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/

-          Stirrup Queens  http://www.stirrup-queens.com/

-          A Garden for Butterflies  http://agardenforbutterflies.blogspot.com/

-          A Little Blog About The Big Infertility   http://jesstutt.blogspot.com/

-          Adventures in Infertility-Land   http://adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com/

-          Ambivalent Womb   http://ambivalentwomb.blogspot.com/

-          Bean Dreams: http://littlebeandreams.blogspot.com/

-          Caffeine & Clonazepam   http://chasekailey.blogspot.com/

-          Colours of Cattiz   http://cattiz.blogspot.com/

-          Do I Have To Be A Dink?  http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/

-          Dreaming of Babies   http://dreamingofpinkandblue.blogspot.com/

-          It Will Happen When You Stop Trying   http://itwillhappenwhenyoustop.blogspot.com/

-          Our Trying To Conceive Journey    http://ourtryingtoconceivejourney.blogspot.com/

-          The Fertile Hurdle    http://drevasfertilehurdle.blogspot.com/

-          Try, Try Again  http://try-try-again1.blogspot.com/

-          Two’s Company. Three’s a Family  http://2scompany3safamily.blogspot.com/

-          We Relaxed…It Didn’t Happen   http://2scompany3safamily.blogspot.com/

-          Squawkfox    http://www.squawkfox.com/

Another Year Wiser?

It’s a day I’ve been dreading for months. I just didn’t expect to be at this point when I got here. I have been realizing over the last few years how unfair life can be, and how things just do not happen as you want them to.  But turning 33 is just such an ugly number to me.  This just has not gone to plan at all! I was supposed to have 3 children by now – or at least 2 of them and be ready for the 3^rd.  But here I sit, still waiting for number 1.  I hate the thought of turning another year older and still no baby. And it’s hard to watch all my friends go on to have baby after baby, without any trouble at all.

So my plan is to spend the day with large amounts of alcohol!! I plan to definilely drown my sorrows in booze.  Lots and lots o’ booze! I’ve got my big wine glass ready for the day…and a few shot glasses too!

I don’t know how people keep from playing the time game. I am always calculating when my due date would be, should I get pregnant each cycle. And how old I’d be at that time. So to hit yet another birthday without the joy of announcing a pregnancy is just devastating to me. I’m going to try to do my best and not bawl my eyes out (that was how I spent my 30^th!!) and just focus on the good things in my life. I’m sure the drinks will help!

I hope I’m not the only one who whines on my birthday! Anyone else have some ideas on how to pretend my 33^rd is just another day?

~ A

Self-Soothing or Self-Sabotage???

Over the last 2 ½ years since my wedding, I have gained almost 40lbs. Gross! Like all brides, I wanted to look my best on my wedding day, so I made some changes to my lifestyle and lost the weight. I stopped eating after supper (late-night Ruffles chips are my weakness!) and I went on my treadmill 5 days a week for 30 mins of cardio.  And the weight came off! Just like they say it will. I had motivation and desire…plus, I had a dress to fit into and knew that I would be immortalized in pictures in my living room!

So what happened?  Well, to put it simply, I got lazy.  That’s definitely true.  It didn’t help that on my honeymoon, there was a Cold Stone Creamery in our hotel and eating ice cream by the beach seemed like a perfectly great way to spend every evening. So I came back already 6lbs higher than my wedding day. Then it just kept climbing. I stopped running 5 days a week (I think my treadmill is currently drying clothes, as I type this!) and celebrated a reunion with Ruffles, Lays and their evil friend Chester Cheetah! Not pretty…

Then my annual doctor’s check-up. I knew what she would say: time to lose some weight. No shit-Sherlock! What a brilliant idea! Look, as a bit of a chubby gal, I know when it’s time to lose weight. I don’t think anyone ever needs to be told that they need to lose weight. We all know it. So my problem is why can’t I do it? I have great intentions but then the weekend hits and it all goes out the window. Every fertility article I have ever read suggests being in good shape and how being overweight can affect hormones, making it more difficult to get pregnant. There is nothing else I want more in the world, than to have a baby.  So why isn’t that enough motivation to me?

Here’s the thing: I am an emotional eater. I have a crap day; I make myself feel better by having some cookies, or some peanut M & M’s. The dreaded 2-week-weight is hard on a girl, especially after 2 ½ years of waiting, waiting, waiting! So when I can’t convince myself any longer that it’s not implantation spotting, but actually my period starting, I head right to my new best friend: DQ’s Skor Blizzard with extra Reese Peanut Butter Cups. And when this happens month, after month, after month it’s not hard to see how someone can gain 40lbs. So here I am thinking that I’m self-soothing, but really I am self-sabotaging! I know that I’m not helping my body get in shape and prepare for carrying a baby. But I can’t make myself stop. Maybe I need to paste a big picture of a pregnant lady on my fridge for some motivation? It’s time to put down the mini-eggs and pick up my running shoes!

It’s a Monday, so my motivation is high. Anyone out there going through anything similar and have any suggestions???

~ A