Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Just Accept It!

This is the advice I received today. Seems harsh, but I think it is the exact thing I needed to hear.

I got to practice yet another Oscar speech today, when a colleague at work told me that she's 12 weeks pregnant. She knows my situation of trying for 2 ½ years, but she still went on and on for a good 45 minutes about her pregnancy and how she was worried about her job and how she’s so tired now, how will it be after having her 3rd (yes, this is her 3rd pregnancy!). Seriously, could you have been any more insensitive?  (I just reminded myself of Chandler: Could you BE any more insensitive? Ok, so very 2001, but I needed a bit of a laugh…)  I just could not figure out a way to get out of that damn office, so I stood there with a smile pasted on my face, saying how happy I am for her and how wonderful this news is! I just can't believe I'm going to spend every single day for the next 6 months watching her belly grow, and watch our department go on and on about how excited they are. How miserable!!!!

So I high-tailed it to a friend's office and we went for a walk and I vented. She can definitely relate to me and she felt my pain. She has been through 3 IUI's and 2 IVF's. Her first IVF was successful and she had a gorgeous baby 2 years ago. The 2nd IVF a few months ago was not as successful. So she and I do our bitter whining about life every so often.

During our walk, I ask her how she does it - how does she make it through the days when people tell her about their pregnancies, while she suffers? She tells me that it took her a long while, but she accepts that this is the way it is for her...she's accepted the fact that she's just not able to get pregnant without some sort of intervention. With this knowledge, she is able to move on and try any other option available in order to get pregnant.

I feel like this "just accept it" piece of advice has opened my eyes. After months and months of TTC, I still keep making excuses for why we are not getting pregnant. I try to justify why it didn’t happen and try to think of something new or better to try next month, convinced that this time it will work. But nothing ever works. And because nothing is apparently “wrong” with either of us, I just have some false hope that it will eventually happen on its own. Maybe it's time to realize that this may not just happen. Two and a half years of trying to get pregnant is a long time. Maybe it is time to just accept it for what it is and move on to try some sort of medical intervention. This is hard for me to do. It’s admitting defeat that I couldn’t do it on my own and need to resort to something I never thought I’d have to. I really am going to try to get to the place in my mind where I do just accept it. I guess once I can do that, then I can start to get over it and do something about it!


  1. Ugh, that's hard to hear from a close colleague. And not sensitive at all, some people are really clueless.

    It's so great that you have someone to talk openly with. That must be so valuable. It's very hard to accept you need help, but very relieving in starting to accept the fact and that it is okay. It's a process that takes time.

  2. Acceptance is hard, but in the end, I have found peace with it. Not that I am ok with it, it just doesn't hurt as bad to admit we need help.

  3. Not to offer more we all have enough of that! LOL but my husband and I went right to medical intervention when we knew we had a problem conveiving on our own. It turns out that my tubes are "funky" (the doctors words not my doc). They were blocked and after the surgery to unblock them he admitted that he didn't know how functional they would be. We still tried two IUIs and are now awaiting our first IVF cycle. The way we looked at it though was that while it sucks (just putting it plainly) that we cannot do it on our own, that's what modern medicine has allowed us. If we were ill and needed medical intervention- we would not hesitate. If, god forbid, my husband was injured in combat and needed a prosthetic device to help him function, we would not hesitate. Why hesitate with medical intervention when it comes to the most important part of our lives?? Just something to think about from someone that LOVES your blog :)

  4. You guys are all definitely right! And acceptance is so hard! I just think that if we were told from the beginning that we couldn't conceive on our own, we'd be all over the medical help. I guess I am just stubborn and naive, thinking it will still happen 'naturally'. Don't you hate that word? Naturally?

    Thanks for all your kind words. I'm working on finding my peace... :o)
    ~ A

  5. I hate the word naturally too! For us it was really hard to make the decision to move forward with IVF but once I made it it was like a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders! I still have some hang ups with the words "natural" and "artificial" but other than that I'm just exctied to finally get our baby!

  6. I agree with everyone.. it is hard to accept that it may not happen without medical help but once you can take that step, you will feel better.. proactive for doing something positive and moving forward xx

  7. I find myself wafflingbetwen "acceptance" that my husband and I will need medical intervention to get pregnant ( although we conceived 3x and lost all 3 babies preterm in the past).After 2 years of TTC again, post -losses, and having intervention to a point (IUI and injectibles) and that hasn't worked--I am back to WTF?! When will we catch our break? So, embrace those days that you can accept that "this is just how it is for us" and hope that the days when you can't help but think "WTF?! Why not us?" go quickly.

    Hang in there. There's a bunch of us wearing the same uncomfortable shoes.

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  9. Hi there. New to your blog! Acceptance - a hard pill to swallow that's for sure. No advice intended just take a deep breath everyday and know that regardless of what happens in real life - there are billions of out there for you that can help you can get through those moments of "wtf is wrong with me" and move on through the day :)

  10. Don't think of it as defeat. You are much stronger than that. It takes real strength to seek help.

    Hang in there.