And the Oscar Goes To….

Um… ME!!!!

The Academy Awards are on tonight and I’ve been watching some of the Red Carpet, reviewing Oscar nominees and thinking a lot about acting. Ok, Natalie Portman was amazing in Black Swan, but I have had my own moments of Oscar-worthy acting over the last 2 ½ years. I know every other gal who has been TTC can relate to those moments of false happiness and fake smiles. And if you’re like me, then you have also perfected the “Oh my God – that is so exciting!!” phrase.

I’ve been through so many moments at restaurants or out for coffee where a friend reveals that she is pregnant, and I am forced to finish my meal with a phony smile pasted on my face, pretending to be so excited for my friend.  Meanwhile, all I want to do is ask for the cheque and get the hell out of there so I can go home and bawl my eyes out.  But I ask all the questions that you’re supposed to ask: “how have you been feelings? Any funny food cravings? Will you find out the sex?” What I really want to ask is? “Will you continue to rub that in my face for the next 9 months? Will you complain about being pregnant and gain weight? Will you ‘forget’ how to have any conversations that do not revolve around your pregnancy?”  

So here’s my speech, as I accept the Oscar for “Ecstatic ‘Reproductively Challenged’ Friend”:

Wow! I am so surprised and grateful for this award! I first have to thank my ovaries and uterus for not cooperating and not doing their jobs to get me pregnant. I know you work hard to play keep-away with Hubs’ sperm and prevent me from getting pregnant. I also want to thank 14 of my friends who have announced their pregnancies over the last 2 ½ years, who have allowed me to practice my art of acting excited and happy for yet another person getting pregnant before me. I just can’t wait to be an Autie, yet again!

Ok, so that's Sandra Bullock accepting her Oscar, but you get the picture!

Square One

Back to it… sitting here with a glass of wine instead of reading a book on pregnancy shows how my weekend went.  Yet another month without those 2 pink lines. You would think after so many months of disappointment that I would be a little more used to it. Guess not. Those last couple of days before my period is ‘expected’ to show, like everyone else, I am at my most hopeful. I am paying attention to every single twinge or new feeling: Hmmm...I’m tired a little earlier tonight, maybe that means I’m pregnant! My sense of smell is so strong these last couple of days, maybe that means I’m pregnant! Then when my period arrives, I feel like an idiot for even thinking I could have been pregnant.

Frustration!!!!

I feel like I’ve tried so many things throughout these last 2 ½ years. I haven’t yet begun any fertility procedures (IUI, IVF etc.) but I feel like I have tried everything else. Everything! I came across this list online and thought it was so perfect:

I especially love the Bad Advice column – laughed at all of those! In all seriousness though, this is actually a very realistic list! I really have tried most of the things on it.

I think that our next step is IUI. I am pretty sure Hubs and I are going to get started on that in the summer. I just keep hoping that it will happen on its own before then. I just need to believe that something will work, and feel like I have tried so much that doesn’t.

Poor Hubs…aside from the moodiness of PMS, he has to deal with the extreme low of CD1. Blah!  

To Test or Not To Test…That Is the Question

Let’s just get it out there: I LOVE peeing on sticks!  I never love the results, but it must give me some sick adrenaline rush or otherwise I would never do it! Seeing that stupid 1-line month after month after month is miserable. But there are always a couple of days where I have all the hope in the world and these next few days are them.

 I don’t bother counting days in my cycle anymore, but I always have a pretty good idea when I ovulate (based on those sexy ol’ eggwhites!) so I know that I’m more than a week into my 2ww. I don’t have an exceptionally long leutal phase so I don’t normally make it 14 days. But I like to test before I expect my period, just so I know for sure if I am or not. I don’t want to end up on that show “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” – that is a true nightmare for me! So month after month, I pee on that stick and wait to see if that 2^nd line will finally show.

So when’s the pee-party? I haven’t decided yet…maybe this weekend, if I make it that far. I’ll either be in a fantastic mood or ridiculously pissed and searching for the ice cream.  And if and when I ever get pregnant, I’m going to pee on a stick every day for 6 months and enjoy those 2 lines, and make up for all those stupid negative tests over the years! Ha!

~ A

How We Got Here

I had bought a journal the week after Hubs and I came back from our honeymoon 2 ½ years ago.  This was so that I could keep a diary of all my thoughts and experiences throughout my pregnancy.  I knew I was going to get pregnant immediately, so I wanted to be able to look back one day and read all about my very first pregnancy. I wrote a few entries for a couple of months and then just go so frustrated that I wasn’t getting pregnant. I realized I was starting to use that as my anger journal instead – you know the one where you write with huge, ferocious letters and push the pen so hard you almost rip the pages? Ya…that was what I turned into. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk, but instead of turning green, I turned red with anger as I spewed venom out the pen and into my journal. I decided to put down the pen, and I put the journal away and hope to be able to pull it back out one of these days, when I’m not so angry! So that got me thinking about turning my pregnancy journal into another one of my journey through infertility, and how I would get it all out on paper (blog, perhaps?). So here goes:

Timeline:

Sept 2008: Married!! WooHoo! Off birth control & ready for baby! Bought some pregnancy books and a thermometer to start checking my basal metabolic temperature. I am going to be pregnant in no time! And all this baby-dancing is going to be fun and romantic and evenput me in great shape!

December 2008: Christmas time – kind of disappointed that there’s no baby news to give the family. Also being off birth control made my body turn into a disgusting, hormonal mess! Acne on my face and my back. Backne, anyone?!? I thought only teenage boys who played a lot of sports had this – embarrassing and gross! To add to this, my hair was completely greasy and oily and started coming out in clumps, especially in the shower. Poor Hubs got some ugly wake up calls when he went in the shower and saw a wookie on the wall! These hormones are making it difficult to look my most attractive to entice Hubs into the bedroom!

February 2009:  Turned 31 and still no baby news. Trying to stay positive and not stress, which is what everyone is telling me to do. I am starting to get pretty annoyed with my uterus! Still sticking with taking my temps, and have now started drinking Fertility Tea and checking CM (Cervical Mucus), which sounds gross but is so cool! Also starting to drive Hubs crazy with all my pregnancy-talk, and he lets me know that he is definitely NOT interested in hearing about my eggwhites.

September 2009: One year of nothing! Pissed! Decide to make an appointment with our Dr., who refers us to a fertility clinic. Also my first (of many!) announcements from one of my closest friends who tells me she is pregnant. Phoney smile pasted on my face at the restaurant, then massive crying fit, tantrum, and self-pity in the privacy of my own bedroom.

October 2009: Our first appointment at the fertility clinic! I bring all my charts, and a million questions. Appointments are booked for the coming weeks. Start to feel hopeful about getting some answers as to why we are still not preggos. 

November 2009:

Hubs = 1st sperm analysis (poor guy had to do 3 in total, over the last year or so).

Me = multiple bloodwork appointments, external and internal ultrasounds, which on your period, is so not attractive! I did an HSG (where my fallopian tubes are checked to see if they are open) during which I did receive an interesting compliment from the doctor. He told me that I have a “beautiful uterus”. I have to say that never in my life have I received a compliment like that!!  I guess I’ll take it!  Hubs found that hilarious!

February 2010: back to the fertility clinic to discuss all our results from the tests over the last couple of months.

Me = everything looks great. I feel relieved and annoyed at the same time. If everything looks normal, then why are we taking so long to get pregnant?!

Hubs = ‘normal’ sperm analysis, but on the low end.

             Count – 24million              * norm is 20 mil

             Motility – 43%                    * norm is >50%.

             Rapid Motility – 37%       * norm is >25% Yay! Those suckers can really swim!

             Morphology – 6.5%          * norm is >15%  Ah shit!! I’m told this is not the end of the world, but it sure feels like it to us.

We discuss options with the fertility clinic: IUI, IVF etc, but decide that we will do some research on vitamins and try to improve Hubs’ spermies and keep trying the ol’ fashioned way for a while longer.

July 2010: Another sperm analysis for Hubs – different clinic, but numbers much better this time.  Morphology is above 15%, which is awesome. Yay for the new vitamins, which I decide is the exact reason that things have improved.

September 2010: 2nd Wedding Anniversary. 2nd TTC Anniversary. Depressed. Annoyed. Angry. Avoiding friends, avoiding colleagues at work; decide I hate all pregnant people. I realize I need something happy in my life, so Hubs and I get a puppy. Not an impulsive decision, as we had been looking for quite a while, and decided that now was the perfect time to get one.

October 2010: About 90% sure that I had a very early miscarriage. Another blog on that topic, but definitely saw 2 little pink lines, and definitely got my period a few days later.

December 2010: Urgh – 3rd Christmas without baby. Hard to avoid family at Christmas, so I decide that Jack Daniels will become my friend for the month. Hubs comes to me and says that he wants to talk about options, i.e. adoption or fertility procedures. Happy Dance! I am so excited because I have been ready for this for months and now we are on the same page! Since he is starting a new job in Jan, we decide to wait til the early summer to discuss details.

January 2011: A new year! And a new attitude is needed. Time to focus on my health and decide to lose 40lbs and stop being a whiner and enjoy life. I feel good to have a bit of a plan and immerse myself in the thought of IUI’s and adoption.          

So that’s how I got to where I am now. Trying to figure out how to enjoy life as we are right now and stop obsessing about babies. Easier said than done though… but I’m working on it!

Thank you!! Merci!! Gracias!! Dankschen!! Mahalo!!

 

Wow!! I am truly honoured to receive these blog awards!! I started this blog a few weeks ago as a way to vent, and hope to find a little humour in this humourless situation. I was given these 2 awards from awesome fellow blogger Princess Wahna Bea Mama – a real clever and creative chick! I love her blog – you guys gotta check it out. Plus, she’s a Mensa smarty, so she’s super witty too! So a huge THANK YOU to the Princess! Since I got 2 awards, and each one has its own rules, I’m going to combine them.

The Rules of accepting the awards are:

1.) Thank and Link back to the blogs that gave you your awards

2.) Share seven things about yourself.

3.)  Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.

4.) Contact the bloggers to let them know you've given them an award.

Numero Uno) A huge THANK YOU to my royal fan: Princess Wahna Bea Mama at http://theprincessandthepeestick.blogspot.com/  for The Versatile Blogger Award, and also for the I Love This Blog Award. I am definitely feeling the love! So go do yourself and favour and check out her blog; like I said, it’s super funny and witty. And she’s been through a lot and has a lot of great info to share.  So do it! Do it! Head over there and get reading! J

#2) I guess since I received 2 awards, I am to share 7 things about myself for each award, so here are 14 things all about little ol’ me:

1.       I am a “mommy” to 2 furbabies – one cat, one dog – both hypoallergenic. Aside from my husband, they are the loves of my life

2.      I am super anal about grammar and spelling. It drives me crazy when people use your/you’re and their/there/they’re incorrectly!

3.      I bite my nails and pick at my cuticles. I try everything not to do it, but I just can’t seem to stop myself

4.      I am a die-hard Sex and the City fan. I have all 6 seasons & both movies, and I’ve probably watched every episode a hundred times. Love everything about it!

5.      I am in love with travelling. I live in Canada, but have travelled through 13 countries in Europe, China, tons of places throughout the US, but I am terrified of flying

6.      I lived in an all-girl residence during my first year of university, and I loved it! Made the best friends of my life there

7.      I am a coupon freak! I am extremely upset if I have to pay full price for anything.

8.      When watching movies, I am more upset if an animal dies, than if a person dies

9.      I absolutely hate ironing and refuse to buy any pieces of clothes that require it

10.  I have a tattoo of a 4-leaf clover on my left foot

11.   My celebrity boyfriends include: James Dean, Jim Morrison, and Elvis Presley (ok, and embarrassingly Joey Lawrence when I was 14)

12.   I secretly wish I was a Broadway performer

13.   My 2 favourite cars are a red, convertible mustang and a 1978 yellow beetle

14.  My middle names are the first names of both of my grandmothers (Mom’s & Dad’s side) and I plan to carry on that tradition if I have a daughter

Trois) I am new to the blogosphere so I haven’t found 30 blogs to follow yet. But I want to list all the ones that I am following and hope that you guys check them out! These are the people that help get me through week after week and allow me to see a little light at the end of this dark tunnel. A couple aren’t TTC blogs, but thought I’d share them anyways. J

Cuatro) I am sending out messages to my fellow bloggers to let them know that I’m taking these wonderful awards and paying it forward!

-          999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility   http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/

-          Stirrup Queens  http://www.stirrup-queens.com/

-          A Garden for Butterflies  http://agardenforbutterflies.blogspot.com/

-          A Little Blog About The Big Infertility   http://jesstutt.blogspot.com/

-          Adventures in Infertility-Land   http://adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com/

-          Ambivalent Womb   http://ambivalentwomb.blogspot.com/

-          Bean Dreams: http://littlebeandreams.blogspot.com/

-          Caffeine & Clonazepam   http://chasekailey.blogspot.com/

-          Colours of Cattiz   http://cattiz.blogspot.com/

-          Do I Have To Be A Dink?  http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/

-          Dreaming of Babies   http://dreamingofpinkandblue.blogspot.com/

-          It Will Happen When You Stop Trying   http://itwillhappenwhenyoustop.blogspot.com/

-          Our Trying To Conceive Journey    http://ourtryingtoconceivejourney.blogspot.com/

-          The Fertile Hurdle    http://drevasfertilehurdle.blogspot.com/

-          Try, Try Again  http://try-try-again1.blogspot.com/

-          Two’s Company. Three’s a Family  http://2scompany3safamily.blogspot.com/

-          We Relaxed…It Didn’t Happen   http://2scompany3safamily.blogspot.com/

-          Squawkfox    http://www.squawkfox.com/

Another Year Wiser?

It’s a day I’ve been dreading for months. I just didn’t expect to be at this point when I got here. I have been realizing over the last few years how unfair life can be, and how things just do not happen as you want them to.  But turning 33 is just such an ugly number to me.  This just has not gone to plan at all! I was supposed to have 3 children by now – or at least 2 of them and be ready for the 3^rd.  But here I sit, still waiting for number 1.  I hate the thought of turning another year older and still no baby. And it’s hard to watch all my friends go on to have baby after baby, without any trouble at all.

So my plan is to spend the day with large amounts of alcohol!! I plan to definilely drown my sorrows in booze.  Lots and lots o’ booze! I’ve got my big wine glass ready for the day…and a few shot glasses too!

I don’t know how people keep from playing the time game. I am always calculating when my due date would be, should I get pregnant each cycle. And how old I’d be at that time. So to hit yet another birthday without the joy of announcing a pregnancy is just devastating to me. I’m going to try to do my best and not bawl my eyes out (that was how I spent my 30^th!!) and just focus on the good things in my life. I’m sure the drinks will help!

I hope I’m not the only one who whines on my birthday! Anyone else have some ideas on how to pretend my 33^rd is just another day?

~ A