I had bought a journal the week after Hubs and I came back from our honeymoon 2 ½ years ago. This was so that I could keep a diary of all my thoughts and experiences throughout my pregnancy. I knew I was going to get pregnant immediately, so I wanted to be able to look back one day and read all about my very first pregnancy. I wrote a few entries for a couple of months and then just go so frustrated that I wasn’t getting pregnant. I realized I was starting to use that as my anger journal instead – you know the one where you write with huge, ferocious letters and push the pen so hard you almost rip the pages? Ya…that was what I turned into. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk, but instead of turning green, I turned red with anger as I spewed venom out the pen and into my journal. I decided to put down the pen, and I put the journal away and hope to be able to pull it back out one of these days, when I’m not so angry! So that got me thinking about turning my pregnancy journal into another one of my journey through infertility, and how I would get it all out on paper (blog, perhaps?). So here goes:
Timeline:
Sept 2008: Married!! WooHoo! Off birth control & ready for baby! Bought some pregnancy books and a thermometer to start checking my basal metabolic temperature. I am going to be pregnant in no time! And all this baby-dancing is going to be fun and romantic and evenput me in great shape!
December 2008: Christmas time – kind of disappointed that there’s no baby news to give the family. Also being off birth control made my body turn into a disgusting, hormonal mess! Acne on my face and my back. Backne, anyone?!? I thought only teenage boys who played a lot of sports had this – embarrassing and gross! To add to this, my hair was completely greasy and oily and started coming out in clumps, especially in the shower. Poor Hubs got some ugly wake up calls when he went in the shower and saw a wookie on the wall! These hormones are making it difficult to look my most attractive to entice Hubs into the bedroom!
February 2009: Turned 31 and still no baby news. Trying to stay positive and not stress, which is what everyone is telling me to do. I am starting to get pretty annoyed with my uterus! Still sticking with taking my temps, and have now started drinking Fertility Tea and checking CM (Cervical Mucus), which sounds gross but is so cool! Also starting to drive Hubs crazy with all my pregnancy-talk, and he lets me know that he is definitely NOT interested in hearing about my eggwhites.
September 2009: One year of nothing! Pissed! Decide to make an appointment with our Dr., who refers us to a fertility clinic. Also my first (of many!) announcements from one of my closest friends who tells me she is pregnant. Phoney smile pasted on my face at the restaurant, then massive crying fit, tantrum, and self-pity in the privacy of my own bedroom.
October 2009: Our first appointment at the fertility clinic! I bring all my charts, and a million questions. Appointments are booked for the coming weeks. Start to feel hopeful about getting some answers as to why we are still not preggos.
November 2009:
Hubs = 1st sperm analysis (poor guy had to do 3 in total, over the last year or so).
Me = multiple bloodwork appointments, external and internal ultrasounds, which on your period, is so not attractive! I did an HSG (where my fallopian tubes are checked to see if they are open) during which I did receive an interesting compliment from the doctor. He told me that I have a “beautiful uterus”. I have to say that never in my life have I received a compliment like that!! I guess I’ll take it! Hubs found that hilarious!
February 2010: back to the fertility clinic to discuss all our results from the tests over the last couple of months.
Me = everything looks great. I feel relieved and annoyed at the same time. If everything looks normal, then why are we taking so long to get pregnant?!
Hubs = ‘normal’ sperm analysis, but on the low end.
Count – 24million * norm is 20 mil
Motility – 43% * norm is >50%.
Rapid Motility – 37% * norm is >25% Yay! Those suckers can really swim!
Morphology – 6.5% * norm is >15% Ah shit!! I’m told this is not the end of the world, but it sure feels like it to us.
We discuss options with the fertility clinic: IUI, IVF etc, but decide that we will do some research on vitamins and try to improve Hubs’ spermies and keep trying the ol’ fashioned way for a while longer.
July 2010: Another sperm analysis for Hubs – different clinic, but numbers much better this time. Morphology is above 15%, which is awesome. Yay for the new vitamins, which I decide is the exact reason that things have improved.
September 2010: 2nd Wedding Anniversary. 2nd TTC Anniversary. Depressed. Annoyed. Angry. Avoiding friends, avoiding colleagues at work; decide I hate all pregnant people. I realize I need something happy in my life, so Hubs and I get a puppy. Not an impulsive decision, as we had been looking for quite a while, and decided that now was the perfect time to get one.
October 2010: About 90% sure that I had a very early miscarriage. Another blog on that topic, but definitely saw 2 little pink lines, and definitely got my period a few days later.
December 2010: Urgh – 3rd Christmas without baby. Hard to avoid family at Christmas, so I decide that Jack Daniels will become my friend for the month. Hubs comes to me and says that he wants to talk about options, i.e. adoption or fertility procedures. Happy Dance! I am so excited because I have been ready for this for months and now we are on the same page! Since he is starting a new job in Jan, we decide to wait til the early summer to discuss details.
January 2011: A new year! And a new attitude is needed. Time to focus on my health and decide to lose 40lbs and stop being a whiner and enjoy life. I feel good to have a bit of a plan and immerse myself in the thought of IUI’s and adoption.
So that’s how I got to where I am now. Trying to figure out how to enjoy life as we are right now and stop obsessing about babies. Easier said than done though… but I’m working on it!
When I had my IUD placed over 2 yrs ago, my Ob/Gyn also told me I had an absolutely beautiful uterus. At this point, I'm sure you are wondering like I am "Why is there no baby in there if it is so attractive?".
ReplyDeleteIt is such a good idea to check back in on feelings you were having and put things in perspective. Please let me know what you find to help you stop obsessing about babies. I desperately need that too!
I really think that this whole infertility diagnosis and the scheduling of appointments, the temp taking, the charting..is a full time job...and if you're like me, and hold down a "reaL' full time job, it's hard to enjoy things when you are having to think about your "other ful time job" of managing all the appointments, emotions etc. that come along with the path we're on.
ReplyDeleteI try to remind myself that I am lucky to have what I do have, and that there are a lot of people out there who would die to have a mariage like ours, and a job, and a roof over their heads etc. I "try" to feel fortunate to have the opportunity to be seeing and affording a wonderful, caring RE who wants nothing more to see my husband and I succeed and beat this diagnosis.
I wish you luck in the coming months, and so many of the things you have blogged about feel so similar to the feelings I have felt over time.
One thing that has helped me, is my love of crafting and sewing. It has saved many of my woe-is-me days from going even further into feeling like the only woman in the world whose husband can't just wink at me and out pops a baby 9 months later like many of our friends.
Christina - exactly! Why is there no baby in there if it's so beautiful and wonderful?!
ReplyDeleteBrie - great idea with finding a hobby like sewing to occupy the woe-is-me days. I do not have a crafty bone in my body, but I'll try to think of something! :o) Oh ya, the TTC world is definitely a full time job!
I did the same thing when we first started TTC! Then it turned into a weight loss journal and now its long since thrown away. Blogging about IF has been a blessing for me. I love reading other peoples stories and have recently started reading yours. I know you just recieved this award but i'm sending it your way as well. Thanks for sharing your journey with us! I blog over at adventuresofendointhearctic.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteI wrote journals when I was younger but never really as an adult. Except for now at the blog. I find it really helpful to write about everything and also see that I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteHi.. just started following your blog (I've been writing mine for a couple of months too.. http://infertilityinchina.blogspot.com/) so this timeline was good for me to learn about your story. I'm in a very similar situation to you.. bloke has some issues but nothing definitive. We're a bit further down the line -3 IUIs done and due to start IVF in a couple of months. I found I felt much better once starting treatment, even if it hasn't worked.. YET! Good luck xx
ReplyDeleteYou know what....you really inspire me. Because I'm constantly worrying "what if something is wrong and we have trouble?" or "what if it takes 2-3 years?". I keep thinking I couldn't possibly handle that. Yet you are still functioning and even have an (I daresay) positive outlook! Despite the frustration and all the other feelings that come along with it, you're still working on it and I just think that's incredible. I really hope things work out for you soon, because you so clearly deserve it!
ReplyDeleteLindsay - I will be checking out your blog too! Thanks for sending!
ReplyDeleteCattiz - I always did journals too, so maybe this is the 'grown-up' way of journaling? ha!
China D - I want to check out your blog too. I am really interested in hearing about your IUI/IVF experiences! Wishing you so much luck!
K9 - thanks for the wonderful compliments! I wonder if my husband would think I was so positive! ha! I have my moments of positivity, but also my moments of hope...just as long as those ones keep me going. :o)
Hi Alli, My name is Shayna and I just came across your blog and I love it:) I'm battling with infertility as well and our stories are pretty similar...we've been trying since Jan '09, had a missed m/c in Dec '09, and now it's been 15 mos with NOTHING! ugh! so frustrating:(
ReplyDeleteHi Shayna - I would say welcome to the group, but this is one that you don't want to belong to, right?? The battle of infertility is a horrible one - I wish you so much luck!!!
ReplyDelete~ A